faster

This morning:

Me: [BOYFRIEND]!!!
Boyfriend: What?
[long pause]
Me: The gas cap is only for when you're going really fast!

Figured out that this was related to an odd dream in which we had rented a van in Austria and got pulled over by the police. I was trying to understand what the policeman was saying to me about the gas cap in rapid German, and trying to get Boyfriend to pay attention and stop shopping for shoes.

dreamy

I wish I could remember more of my dreams (and that I could figure out what they meant). A couple of weeks ago, Boyfriend told me about a dream I recounted for him upon waking.

In this dream, I would sometimes randomly and unexpectedly turn into a camel. I had no control over this werecamel-like transformation. I was also popular enough that I was often invited to parties, but so embarrassed by my camel alter ego that I was forced to decline all of these party invitations, to avoid awkward camel moments.

nom

Two facts:

1. I always sleep with earplugs.
2. I keep a spoon and a Tupperware of peanut butter on my nightstand for when I wake up in the middle of the night and need to eat something.

The other night, I woke up with the spoon in my hand and peanut butter in my mouth, which isn't unusual, but what was unusual was that I was chewing on something. Turns out that I had somehow added an earplug to the spoonful of peanut butter, and was trying to eat the whole mess. Yum.

the donald

Boyfriend says this happened last night, when I took a second dose of Ambien, when the first one didn't seem to be working:

Boyfriend: You can't be asleep. You just took the Ambien three minutes ago.
Me: No, we were just talking to Donald Trump. He's crossing the plaza to come and talk to us.
Boyfriend: What plaza?
Me: The one in front of the Time Warner Center.
Boyfriend: Donald Trump? Why is he coming to talk to us?
Me: 'Cause.

hey, good-lookin'

Boyfriend sent me this from this morning: 

"That's a nice looking toilet." [30 second pause.] "I suppose it's because they don't have urinals."

elbow

A few nights ago, Boyfriend woke up suddenly, because I had snatched all of the covers away. As he started to sit up in groggy protest, I continued to thrash around and planted an elbow in his eye, hard enough that he was worried that he would have a black eye, and that he was still complaining that it hurt two days later.

pizza party

One night last month:

"Don't peel off too many layers. I don't do pepperoni. Why did you get a pepperoni pizza??"

hyena-sitting

I'm staying at my cousin's house for a few days, looking after two dogs and a fish.


Looks like sending this email was the last thing I did before falling asleep last night:


"The dogs are going apeshit because there is something outside somewhere that is making a noise that sounds like the ungodly demon child of a police siren and a hyena. Do you have police hyenas with sirens out here?

I'm on Ambien and really should shut down before I start sending emails to clients. I'm going to go wrap myself up in a cocoon of comforter and dream happy dreams of unicorns and rice krispie treats, but no hyena police siren spawn.

Good night."

notable quotes

Boyfriend sometimes writes down the things I say as I'm falling asleep, or randomly in the middle of the night.

Some of his favorites:

"You should just finish the show, sit down outside, and eat your cake." [long pause] "Why won't you let me have some of your cake?"

"It's too bad he was a robot built out of spare tire parts and dreams. I think they had good intentions."

"Are you dating a lot of women from the computer lab?" [long pause] "Monster trucks!!"

Me: Looks like a Furby.
Boyfriend: What looks like a Furby?
Me: The grass.
Boyfriend: The grass looks like a Furby?
Me: The grass and the cows.
Boyfriend: What??
Me: [asleep]

the worst of times

Worst food choice I've ever made in my sleep: uncooked Cream of Wheat, straight out of the box. I woke up choking.

Most expensive food choice I've ever made in my sleep: half a box of super-fancy, extra-special chocolates Boyfriend bought for me to savor. He was rather dismayed that I had plowed through them while unconscious.

Loudest food choice I've ever made in my sleep: a foil- and paper-wrapped candy bar that I unwrapped very clumsily, waking up Boyfriend and sprinkling chocolate crumbs all over the sheets.