teamwork

From April 2015:

Me: And then they'll each hold a paddle over a hole.
Boyfriend: What?
[Silence]

truckle

From May 2014:

Me: You're much better adjusted now.

Boyfriend:  Huh? What?

Me: Truckle.

Boyfriend: What? Truckle? What is that?

[Silence]

look

That wheelchair covered in bling.

wise words

Be nice. The chicken suits are free.

secrets

This morning:

Me: Does that mean you have nothing to hide?

Boyfriend: Huh?

[pause]

Me: Something about Tupperware and mortgages.

call me maybe

Boyfriend claims that the first thing I said on Friday morning was: "Why do you keep calling me Inspector Cooper?"

faster

This morning:

Me: [BOYFRIEND]!!!
Boyfriend: What?
[long pause]
Me: The gas cap is only for when you're going really fast!

Figured out that this was related to an odd dream in which we had rented a van in Austria and got pulled over by the police. I was trying to understand what the policeman was saying to me about the gas cap in rapid German, and trying to get Boyfriend to pay attention and stop shopping for shoes.

the donald

Boyfriend says this happened last night, when I took a second dose of Ambien, when the first one didn't seem to be working:

Boyfriend: You can't be asleep. You just took the Ambien three minutes ago.
Me: No, we were just talking to Donald Trump. He's crossing the plaza to come and talk to us.
Boyfriend: What plaza?
Me: The one in front of the Time Warner Center.
Boyfriend: Donald Trump? Why is he coming to talk to us?
Me: 'Cause.

hey, good-lookin'

Boyfriend sent me this from this morning: 

"That's a nice looking toilet." [30 second pause.] "I suppose it's because they don't have urinals."

pizza party

One night last month:

"Don't peel off too many layers. I don't do pepperoni. Why did you get a pepperoni pizza??"

notable quotes

Boyfriend sometimes writes down the things I say as I'm falling asleep, or randomly in the middle of the night.

Some of his favorites:

"You should just finish the show, sit down outside, and eat your cake." [long pause] "Why won't you let me have some of your cake?"

"It's too bad he was a robot built out of spare tire parts and dreams. I think they had good intentions."

"Are you dating a lot of women from the computer lab?" [long pause] "Monster trucks!!"

Me: Looks like a Furby.
Boyfriend: What looks like a Furby?
Me: The grass.
Boyfriend: The grass looks like a Furby?
Me: The grass and the cows.
Boyfriend: What??
Me: [asleep]

car talk

Boyfriend and I were in New York last weekend, and we got off the red eye and picked up our rental car to drive two hours north. Boyfriend always accuses me of sleeping whenever we're in the car, so I made a special effort to stay awake and talk to him. I fell partially asleep, anyways, and ended up dreaming while struggling to appear alert and engaged. Our real life conversation morphed into something else in a dream conversation, and for some reason, I thought we were talking about how Asians (and apparently my family in particular) try to blend in and integrate into American society, and so I told him:

"We wear turtlenecks around white people."

I don't wear turtlenecks, and I have no idea why turtlenecks would improve integration.